Oh good golly I’m tired! Thankfully I work in a place that has as much coffee as I can drink. Last night I came home from work and just crashed on the couch – thinking the world, work, the future and especially – all things digital was just gonna have to wait till today.

I’ve found the logistics of organising a machinima event stressful. Since I don’t know what I’m on about most of the time, I get even more stressed. It seems everyone else is just laid back and doing their thing and silence just kills me! During the past few years I’ve become accustomed to feeling like an e-mail spammer – but I still get overly dramatic! How dare people have other things to do than help me – for free! So I creep into my apologetic default position “so sorry, so sorry” – which to be honest, is even annoying me now.

It’s been daunting converting myself to someone who actually knows something from amateur.

I also feel an immense responsibility to the venue. I don’t wanna mess up and give them a bad rap when talking to the press or advertising. Advertising is, in fact, painful! It’s downright embarrassing shouting out “Look! Look! Come and see what I’ve got to say about machinima and loads of goodies and films!”. At the same time as I feel I have to. If no one comes – how can I convince people that machinima is really really interesting (hehe – just look at that wording – got lots of work to do yet). And also, there’s the appreciation of the venue – I’m sure they won’t be too thrilled of having three people drinking water on a thursday night.

Also – and I hate to say this – but I’m also worried about the gamer stereotype, I think you know what I mean!;9

And of course, it’s probably not a good idea to voice my insecurities, doubts and feelings here on my blog – and yet I choose to do so!

So now I’ve got my coffee – and my Henry Lowood and I’m feeling kinda pumped! It’s very odd – but amid all my nervousness and insecurities – I’m also really really REALLY looking forward to standing up and telling people about this fantastic new medium called machinima! How gameplay can become performance art. How the AI in computer games controls a lot of the storyboard. How machinima can be seen to derive from the modding culture. How this is the perfect example of prosumer culture. How this is a culture completely derived from the internet. The collaborative nature of machinima. The web 2.0’ness of machinima. The interesting way completely different narratives our brought into another narrative environment.

OMG – I can’t wait! I’m jumping up and down in enthusiasm, franticness, crazyness and nervousness. The crazyness of my personal nature is certainly coming out of the woodworks for this one!