So I’m sitting at my desk at university going through my thesis because I’m finally going to defend it in 2 weeks! I’m also extremely honoured and excited because I’ve been asked to be a guest lecturer for HUIN 206 & 307: Critical Approaches to Technology and Society 1&2. I’m kinda caught in the middle between scared to death with what on earth I can say of any relevance and the excited jumping up and down feeling of “YES!!!! I’ve been wanting to present this stuff for AGES!!!”. It will be fun to see which feeling wins the scale of balance when I walk in there. Either way it is a perfect opportunity for me to practice my defense by working on my presentation.
Reading through the thesis isn’t half as bad as I thought it would be. It was good to take a break and read it more calmly now – I’m not 100 % pleased with it – in fact – far from it – but I’m more calm about seeing what I’ve done wrong and what needs a little bit more analysis and explaining. It’s kinda fun, you know!!!
Also, I’ve come in to university today to start working on an outline for a research fellow position that’s opened up at the department. I’m not sure I stand a chance – but I’ll hate myself if I don’t try. Department politics seems to be central on my mind. What would that professor like me to write about, what would that one – and how do I present this to convince them that they really want someone researching this stuff here – they just didn’t know it before? I think I’d love to move on to Machinima. But that’s about as far as I’ve gotten. Thought I’d read a few articles and see which angle I want to focus on. The department is really focused on democracy and media – so I’m wondering if I can lure them in somehow with ‘voices of the people’ or something. Sigh. I’ll think of something. It’s running around in my head full speed – but if you have any suggestions you’re welcome to throw them this way.
In the mean time I’ve been to a few interviews for jobs and my financial situation is making me desperate! Job hunting would be fun if I didn’t have to worry about my bills at the same time! I’ve really enjoyed all the interviews – but there’s really only been one who’s job was exciting and inspirational – and it’s in Oslo – waiting to hear from them tomorrow or Friday. It was just so extremely lovely being at an interview where I could actually talk ‘shop’ and not ‘fake’ being excited. I really genuinely was. It’s easy to put my life on pause and hold my breath till I know if the job’s mine or not – but I can’t.
I knew this would be a weird time in my life. It’s so exciting to think of the possibilities of the future – but at the same time it’s hard not to have moments of depression and self doubt. I need to feel I’m going somewhere though! So yesterday I started jogging – hehe! Didn’t get very far – but I’m hoping this will turn out to be a daily thing and notice my body getting fitter and fitter. I’ve got way too much ‘thesis’ plus ‘holiday’ fat to get rid of!!! It’s my own psychological treatment!
So we’ll see just what happens! Maybe I’ll end up with a job at my local grocery store – they’re always so friendly! Or maybe I get to work on a PhD? Or maybe I’ll move to Oslo for a great job? Or maybe I’ll move to Singapore? Or maybe I’ll have to move on to the street and be on welfare for the rest of my life?! It’s all so confusing!!! Hehe!
I’ve been too depressed and embarrassed that I didn’t get to hand in November 15th – that I really haven’t blogged about it. But – now I have freshly printed copies by my side and I’m just waiting for the print shop to open, so I can get them bound and handed in.
In theory, since I missed the November 15th deadline, I could wait until February – but I couldn’t live with this sucker for that long! I’m going on holiday 20th December – and I’m gonna freakin’ enjoy it! There’s lots of work I could done on it, still – but I don’t think work like this is EVER done! I’ve had to skip a lot of discussions that I would have loved to include! And, to be honest – my chapter on Ownership is just skimming the surface of most arguments and cramming them into a small chapter – very little consistent analysis! My advisor has also warned me about my language! I blame the American Academics that write so colorful and adventurous – apperantly that’s not the wisest way to go! Oh well – I’ve done some dullifying – the rest they’ll just have to punish me for! Oh how I hope I pass! Failing you’re Masters Thesis must be the worst bummer ever!!
It’s been one hell of a night! I’ve messed up the whole thing so many times tonight it’s not even funny! Printer trouble and table of contents that just had me in knots and frantic outbreaks! If it wasn’t because my good friend, Ronny – urgh – I don’t even wanna think about it!
So yeah – now – FIND A JOB!! Yay!!! And I’m gonna have to play some!!!
I’m meeting the cHixOrs at 6 pm for dinner – let me know if you wanna join us! ;)
I really wouldn’t mind crashing a few bars tonight – but the sad thing about mondays, I dare not even ask! Also – I’ve been trying not to jinx this! I still haven’t gotten them bound – and who knows what the rules of handing in are?! I’m sure there’s much more stricter rules than what I got “5 copies”. So I think I’m gonna hold off asking people to celebrate with me until I know for a FACT everything is alright! I’m not jinxing things by blogging now, am I?
You know, I was supposed to be in bed by midnight! Just way too many things that went wrong! Ohhhhhhhhhhh ….. I can’t wait to really get into blogging again!!!! I’ve missed those little peaks of interest, investigation and writing!!!
I’m extremely tired at writing moment, but I couldn’t sleep because my head is just filled with thoughts that I just need to get out! So please excuse me for not linking to smart people – this is just me!
I kinda freaked out today, when I realised that my whole thesis is about reputation! It’s everywhere – and I wasn’t aware of it! It really scared the bejeebles out of me! When discussing the ontological state and identity of the avatar, reputation is essential. When discussing ownership and the attachment to virtual gaming goods, reputation is important. I had an interesting conversation with a friend who’s a WoW’er a while back (may have blogged about it actually) and he had been playing Oblivion for a while, which he thought was really cool but he missed the ‘bragging’ that WoW gave him. There he could show off the gains and riches from all his labor, he couldn’t do that with a single player game. And I think this is a perfect example of why players become so attached to their virtual property.
So…most of what I’ve written using TL Taylor’s fabulous research, I used after reading her papers – most of which are now in her book. So should I change the date to 2006 on everything? I guess so huh? This was a stupid question wasn’t it?! I am getting stupider and stupider aren’t I?! Hehe!
Earlier today I asked a big shot lawyer friend of mine if you could say that a persons reputation is their intellectual property!! Yup I’m all over the place! But surprisingly mellow and really enjoying writing!! So bizarre and oh so cozy and enjoyable! I’m a mad happy camper!
I had a conversation with a fellow student the other day and we both figured out that our executive decision to stop gaming so that we could finish our thesis’ was a really bad idea!!! We both concluded that we would be finished now if we had continued gaming!! It’s all about instant happiness and gratification!!! So yeah! Free Yourself!!!!! ;)
Oh how I hate proof reading!!! I despise it!!! The minute I start doing surgical insicions in text I loose the flow and the impulse to start all over again is just …. ahhhhhh!!!! Will I ever start writing sanely again!!!
Anyways! I’ve realized a bunch of mistakes lately! Apart from the academic stupidities I’ve also noticed that I switch from writing American to British and back all the time! But I should be able to catch most of it with spellcheck, right? Speaking of which, it now lets me write game play as one word! Is that allowed, you think? I’ll have to check up on other texts – but I rather like gameplay!
And I’ve also noticed that I’m all over the place using the words ‘gamers’ and ‘players’ randomly. I should decide on a destinction,huh? Use players when referring to so and so, and gamers when refering to so and so? Sigh! I knew that this thesis would be all about definitions – but – argh! Maybe I can play miss smarty pants in the conclusion somewhere. “I’ve used the words player and gamer randomly here in order to illustrate a point”. Yeah! That’s sounding good to me right now! I’m sure I’ve got it all somewhere in my pile of notes somewhere!
Deadlines are truely a wonderful thing! Because otherwise I’m certain nothing would ever get published! I’ve currently got 4 chapters up and running on the screen because I’ve figured out that’s the best way for me to work, it helps me see the flow of my arguments – and it also messes things up all the freakin time! I’m so sick and tired of second guessing all my statements – I just wanna get this over with already, so I can move on! But sometimes I just have to face the fact that I’ve overlooked some crucial, fundamental and important facts! It’s devastating finding these things so late in the process that tears seem to flow constantly (so glad I’m a woman) and I’m amazed I still have hair on my head as pulling them seems to satisfy my bursts of anger! Reasonable arguments like I shouldn’t care so much and I should stop overthinking things just refuses to hit home with me! Argh! So…after revealing my psychological and personal breakdown let me present you with my current dilemma!
I’m wrapping up my typology of TSO players and intellectual property rights chapters this weekend and I’m getting kind of sentimental and sad about ending a chapter in my life also – and all my…ehm…work being visible on paper. I could have easily finished this sucker a year ago, but then I would have missed out on a few thoughts and new insights. But I suppose that also has contributed to my low self esteem and the constant second guessing of my thoughts, memories, sentences, conclusions, understandings, sanity and intelligence. So I’m not recomending the extra year, far from it, but I’m just saying that I’m glad I took it. I’ve had such a great time, learning so incredibly much – both relevant and irrelevant.
One thing that I absolutely adore and despise about Media Studies is that it encompasses so incredibly much! Back in my bachelor days I never quite got into the spirit of ‘reading’ film – I mean, sure! I loved reaching for hidden meanings and mis-en-scene and – well, to be honest I’m getting bored just writing about it now, so maybe ‘love’ is too strong a word here. Two semesters of film classes was quite enough for me. Anyways…I was lucky and privileged to have Tiziana Terranova introduce me to…ehm…I think we called it Cyberculture, back then (1997-2000) – which blew my mind and woke my desire to learn more! I remember becoming a huge Baudrillard and Foucault fan and discussing hyperreality with passion at the local pub. Ooooh! I’m about to give you my life story here aren’t I? I suppose my point is that I come from a Media Studies background, a part of the Cultural Studies movement (?). On paper I can supposedly ‘read’ film, pictures, commercials and understand media politics (hahahahaha!) and well at least discuss the issues of identity in media and semiotics.
I’ve never ever regretted my decision to start back at university and write about virtual gaming worlds. I mean…I started my Masters degree because I wanted to study and research virtual worlds – the actual degree is just a perk! Hmmm…does that make me a nerd? Never thought it would take me this long, however!! So much information to process!! I have, however, regretted many many many times on The Sims Online! But in hindsight, I feel it’s good to have knowledge and insight on what doesn’t work! But…you know I’m babling! Oh hell! It’s my blog!
Anyways…it’s been one of the few choices in my life that’s made me truely happy! One thing that’s always annoyed me, however, is that I could never seem to find the courage and strength to write papers for conferences so I could participate! So many fabulous debates! I’ve been saying for the past year that if I won the lottery I would just travel around going to all these conferences and meeting all these super brilliant minds!!